Spring grass
brings a softened life
to the checkerboard
greygranite steppe.
But only
careful conditions:
air; soil; water; sun;
photosynthesis,
unveil the slowly creeping miracle.
Whereas
Living Beauty
breaking through the
dividing line
with an exuberant plop and a whorl
of pinkshirt goldenhair in one
eternal moment
so animates a block of
chickenwire chairs,
that they uprise to
hold her dancelaughing.
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2 comments:
This is very sweet, Jesse. Thanks so much for writing a poem about our girl. :o)
Initial general impressions: I really liked this poem. I did not see, as Jen did, a poem about a girl. For me this was fundamentally about human control of nature vs. humanity's union with nature in creative beauty. It was about plant growth vs. a burgeoning garden, the 'line' when growth becomes beauty. Perhaps that wasn't the intention, but that is what I appreciate in it.
1st stanza: Kennings! :) I have never used them, but like them here. I think they make your adjectives subtle personification, which is provocative. I really like "softened life" as it provides a contrast to the "exuberant plop" of the second stanza. This stanza is about creeping beauty rather than unbridled beauty, and I think you do a nice job of showing that nature is here encroaching upon man's world rather than complementing or working with it. I'm still puzzled by "steppe." I'm not sure if steppe is 'human' enough to do what you want with it, but at the same time it pronounces limited growth, so maybe it does. I like "careful conditions" as the sound here does just what you want. I do think, however, you could toy with your list of conditions to create a more precise effect. Is air, soil, water, and sun too general? Is photosynthesis the right sound? Is it hard enough? Perhaps words like oxygen, moisture, loam, fertilizer, light would be more effective? Do you want more harsh consonants the photosynthesis? Something about capillaries or chlorophyll or chloroplasts?
2nd stanza: I like both stanzas but love this one. My favorite aspect is "pinkshirt goldenhair" and how this unbridled plant growth is personified in the "her," who is "dancelaughing" in the last line. This makes me think of a garden that does and does not do what you want it to do. You ask it to grow, you expect it to grow a certain way, and nature defies your expectations, creating a piece of beauty that resonates God. This crosses the 'dividing line,' as you say, and grows into a new place that is just as much Nature's as it is yours. Your garden has become "they," as you mention in the 2nd-last line. My only thoughts on editing this are perhaps messing with the "dividing line," which I like a lot but also wonder if it's too frank, and revisiting the word "block." I see that you might want to have a bit of the spirit of the first stanza lingering here, but perhaps it's too much. Would 'frame' be better? I'm not sure.
In all I really enjoyed this. I have a bird feeder on the balcony this spring and have not seen any birds, but have had a regular mess of seeds on the porch for some weeks. I have been grumbling about it saying it must be squirrels, but this morning, as I read this poem, a wren, goldfinch, and a cardinal all stopped by. It seems I read the poem at just the right moment. :)
Joey
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